In the minutes, hours and days after birth, any separation from your baby can feel difficult. Even when the reasons behind the separation are really clear. You might be able to logically accept that your baby needed some additional medical care – but most parents find it very hard not to be with the child that they have spent months nurturing inside.

Birth trauma definitely extends beyond what happens in the labour ward itself.  Perinatal trauma can begin with difficult experiences in pregnancy, and continue right through into those tender postnatal experiences – including baby’s admission to NICU (neonatal intensive care units) or SCN (special care nursery).

Why is it so hard to move on from those experience?

However long you and your baby were apart – it is significant. There’s no ‘only’ in my book – whether it was hours, days weeks, or months – emotionally, it’s tough.

If you think about it, you and your baby went from being deeply physically connected to suddenly being apart. On a deeper level, this may have been difficult for your mind and body to accept.

However prepared we think we are for birth, it’s also impossible to know what will happen and how it will feel. It’s also impossible not to picture those first experiences and have a sense of what should have been. When we miss out on certain expected experiences of motherhood, it’s only natural to grieve. The sense of loss, and jealousy, can be triggered by seeing other women in late pregnancy, announcing their birth on social media or enjoying newborn snuggles with their baby.

NICU is a hard start to parenthood – beginning to step into the new role as your baby’s mum, yet not being able to step fully into caring for your little one. Many parents describe feeling excluded, sidelined or left out of the decision-making process about their newborn. This can be a deeply painful experience, to have to share that responsibility with others – even if we know it medically makes sense.

And remember, these experiences are sometimes particularly difficult because of how they happened. If aspects of the care you received was gentle, respectful and nurturing, that might have added to your distress at the time. Some parents I have worked with have explained how certain words or phases in those first few days and weeks postpartum can stay with them for years to come. At such a tender, vulnerable time – you may have really needed care that met you with tenderness, whilst also bolstering your strength.

So what can help?

Give yourself the gift of not needing to be okay.

If you find yourself struggling with your emotions about your NICU experience, you may find some relief through allowing your feelings to be there.

You are also allowed to have many complicated feelings about it all at the same time. Many parents describe feeling deeply grateful for the NICU – and for their child – whilst simultaneously feeling upset or angry about particular aspects of the experience.

See if you can release yourself from feelings of guilt about what you feel. You won’t always feel this way (and that can be important to hold on to) but right now, this is allowed to be painful.

Gently remind yourself that you are not alone in these feelings.

There are many parents out there who understand what it is like to go through a difficult separation from their child and the various experiences of NICU. Connecting with other parents who have had similar experiences can be a powerful way to find comfort.

Allow yourself to grieve for what you missed out on.

There is still a lot of pressure in our modern mothering to push forward, minimise the difficult feelings, ‘look on the bright side’ and ultimately be grateful for arriving on the other side with a healthy baby. This narrative can make it almost impossible to acknowledge the lost experiences that accompany a baby spending time in the NICU. The loss of hoped-for experiences is a complicated grief, and in a way, that makes it all the more important to name. To try to put words around it, acknowledge it and recognise it for the loss that it is – which, over time, can ultimately be very healing.

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