Do you tend to put a lot of pressure on yourself? Or be hard on yourself when you are struggling?
You are not alone. I actually think most of us struggle to be truly kind to ourselves, even when we might be wonderful at offering support and validation to others.
If you have experienced a birth that was frightening, out-of-control or deeply disappointing, you might have been left with some complicated feelings. Common feelings after birth trauma including anxiety, depression, failure, guilt, and shame.
So what can help with these feelings?
At the Birth Healing Collective, we believe it can help to create some time and space to think about your birth. It is important to acknowledge and address the feelings it has left you with, so that you can begin to heal.
Self-compassion is an powerful tool that can help us all cope with difficult life situations, including the emotional aftermath of birth trauma. But it doesn’t always feel easy to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend.
I find it can be helpful to think about the three main elements that make up a compassionate response:
- Mindfulness: Holding difficult emotions in mindful awareness, without judgment or avoidance.
- Self-kindness: Being warm, gentle, and understanding toward oneself when faced with pain or suffering.
- Common humanity: Recognising that suffering is a part of the human experience and that others have experienced similar challenges.
Here are four ways you can practice holding yourself with kindness after a difficult birth experience:
Give yourself the gift of not needing to be okay.
If you find yourself struggling with your emotions, you may find some relief through accepting and just allowing these feelings to be there. You won’t always feel this way (and that is important to hold on to) but right now, this is allowed to be painful.
Give yourself relief of being allowed to have many complicated feelings inside all at the same time.
You might find that part of you feels upset or angry about particular aspects of your birth, whilst at the same time, there are things you are grateful for or even a sense of relief. You might find that you feel proud of all you survived, but struggle with some feelings of shame and failure.
Give yourself a gentle reminder that you are not alone in these feelings.
There are many parents out there who understand what it is like to go through a difficult birth experience. Connecting with other parents who have had similar experiences can be a powerful way to find comfort.
Give yourself permission to need help outside of yourself.
You don’t need to heal on your own. Honestly, you don’t. There are many wonderful professionals out there who have information, skills and therapies that could help you process what happened and move forward.
If you are interested in more information on psychological recovery after a difficult birth, join our mailing list! You’ll get the best of the Birth Healing Collective in your inbox, with free resources, invites to relevant workshops and early bird access to our online programs.
