After a traumatic or difficult birth experience, having another baby – and another birth – involves both practical and emotional preparation.

On an emotional level, the simple yet powerful tool of self-compassion could be one of your most valuable tools during pregnancy. Self-compassion can help us all find our way through difficult feelings, including birth-related fear and anxiety.

In this article, we’ll unpack what self-compassion actually is, how it works and how you can use it to help with anxiety about your next birth.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Before we get to self-compassion, let’s just think about compassion? What does it actually feel like, when you feel compassion for someone?

The word compassion actually means ‘to suffer with’, because compassion is the experience of noticing and being moved by someone else’s pain.

When we are compassionate towards someone, there’s no judgement or harshness there. Instead, there is empathy, a feeling of warmth, understanding and a desire to help them in some way.

Self-compassion is the same feeling – but directed towards yourself.

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in moments of difficulty, emotional pain or self-doubt.

Self-compassion means responding to yourself with the same warmth, patience, and care that you would offer a close friend.

It flows from the recognition that struggles and imperfections are part of the shared human experience–and there is nothing wrong with you or shameful about feeling the way you do.

It can be surprisingly complicated to offer yourself compassion, even when you might naturally be a very compassionate person and find it easy to offer kindness to others. It’s important to know that self-compassion is NOT self-pity, or giving yourself permission to behave badly, or wallow in negative cycles of emotion. It isn’t self-indulgent–and its not about self-esteem, or always thinking positively about yourself in that way. It’s more about being able to see yourself as human and respond to your struggles with kindness and understanding.

Sounds nice – but how is self-compassion actually helpful?

There’s actually a significant body of research to support the positive impact of self-compassion. In fact, self-compassion is consistently linked to better mental health outcomes, with higher levels of self-compassion associated with greater resilience and lower rates of depression and anxiety (1,2).

If you think about it, so many of us tend to respond to our emotions by dismissing them, or quietly criticising ourselves for having that feeling in the first place. “Urgh, just stop. This is so stupid. I need to snap out of this”, or  “This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t feel this way”. When we respond to a difficult moment with an internal voice that is dismissive, critical or harsh, we are actually adding a second layer of negative emotion to an already hard situation.

There might be several reasons we may tend to treat ourselves harshly, but the reality is that it doesn’t actually improves things. Self-criticism can exacerbate feelings of shame, inadequacy, lowering self-worth and leaving us vulnerable to low mood and potentially depression (3,4,5).

Practicing self-compassion, on the other hand, actually helps us sidestep the unhelpful shame spiral and move through our emotions more easily.

When we treat ourselves with kindness and support, it provides an emotional experience in which our more tender, vulnerable feelings are responded to in the way we actually need -which can allow for growth and healing on a much deeper level.

So how can self-compassion help with anxiety about giving birth again?

If some parts of your birth experience were difficult or traumatic, it is only natural to find some anxiety and fear coming up if you are thinking about (or actively preparing for) another birth. Most women find these fears make it difficult to plan another pregnancy, then increase as the birth approaches.

Having some tools to cope with these emotions can make a big difference.

Let’s walk through an example.

It’s late at night, and you are lying awake thinking about the upcoming birth. Before you can help it, your mind starts thinking about everything that could go wrong. Your body begins to feel more and more tense, your stomach clenches and your heart beats faster. You toss and turn, feeling annoyed that your mind is doing this again because you really need to be asleep right now.

There are three key steps to self-compassion practice, and the first is simply to notice.

To take a giant step back from your thoughts and feelings and observe them – and to recognise this as a moment of suffering.

“This is hard. I’m having that feeling of anxiety right now. I’m having lots of thoughts about the birth. It’s so hard not knowing how it will go–and I’m scared. This is a moment of suffering”.

The second step? To zoom out and connect to a broader sense of this being very, very human to be struggling in this way. And when I say human, I mean this is normal, natural and understandable – but also that this experience shared by others. Notice how it feels to remember that there are other women out there having these exact same feelings right now.

“This is a shared struggle. I am not alone. I’m not the only one lying awake with these worries right now. There are so many women who have felt this same way”.

The third step involves moving to offer yourself some kindness. This might be as simple as placing a hand on your heart and taking some long, slow breaths. It might be saying some words to yourself, that provide validation or hope. Sometimes this is best kept really simple. You don’t need to get into the nitty gritty of arguing with your worried ‘what if’ thoughts.

“This feels hard it is because it IS hard… It is a genuinely hard thing I am doing, having another baby and another birth. I’m going to feel anxious sometimes, that’s really understandable. I can get through this. I’m stronger than I think I am. I can do this. It will be okay”.

You can repeat these three steps in a gentle circle for as long as you need.

As you do so, pay attention to how it feels to treat yourself in this way, and how it feels to receive the kindness. Hopefully, it‘s a bit like having a really understanding friend by your side, saying the words you most need to hear, at the very moment you need it most. You might notice a softening, a sense of relief, feeling lighter, or more grounded.

You may also notice that there’s some resistance to the kindness – that’s okay too. Part of you might find it hard to let this in.  It’s pretty normal to feel this when you first start trying to meet your emotions with compassion. Just notice that resistance and keep offering yourself that warmth, then move your attention to whatever is happening in your present moment.

Just dipping into compassion for a few minutes can make a difference – even if it feels pretty strange or new for you at first!

Self-compassion is just one of the tools that can help you feel more equipped to respond to birth-related anxiety when it pops up.

If you’d like to learn more about my approach to preparing to give birth again after a previously difficult birth experience, take a look at the free resources and programs I offer via The Birth Healing Collective.

My free guide on how to prepare for a Better Birth next time is a wonderful place to start, or you can go straight to my Better Birth program, a unique type of birth prep specially developed for those birthing again after a difficult or traumatic birth.

References

1.Hoffman, K. L., & O’Leary, K. D. (2019). “The Impact of Self-Compassion on Depression and Anxiety in Women. “Journal of Clinical Psychology, 75(4), 717-730.

2.Neff, K. D., & Faso, D. J. (2015). “Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Review of the Literature. “Social and Personality Psychology Compass,9(12), 918-932.

3.Rudaz, M., & Maercker, A. (2012). “Self-Criticism and its Relationship with Depression: A Meta-Analysis. “Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 435-447.

4.Sowislo, J. F., & Orth, U. (2013). “Self-Esteem and Depression: A Meta-Analysis. “Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(8), 618-636.

5.Whelton, W. J., & Greenberg, L. S. (2005). “The Role of Self-Criticism in the Relationship Between Emotional Processing and Depression. “Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(4), 457-469